I want to go to church!!!

I know I don't usually write uber personal posts but today... Well lets just say, today I feel the need to share some of my feelings. Luke is such a good little boy. I love him so much! He is so affectionate and so obedient. I really couldn't ask for a better dispositioned child (aside from the occasional tantrum :-)

And...... I love church. I love it. I have for a very long time. I love meeting new people each week. I love the friendship that comes with Relief Society and I really love learning new things about the gospel. And most of all I love the emotional and spiritual boost I receive each time I attend. And even though having a child has changed my attention span, going to church has always still built me up as it always has.

Now you would think these two great loves wouldn't conflict with one another, but they have.

In a couple of ways...

First, Luke is incredibly prone to respiratory infections. He gets sick quite a bit. Even after he gets well he holds onto his symptoms for quite a while and since runny noses and coughs should not be taken to Nursery, many days I end up taking him home after sacrament meeting so he doesn't get the other children sick.

Second, Luke has a little anxiety in large groups so parts of church have been a little uncomfortable for him. He usually does well in sacrament meeting but nursery has been really difficult for him. I have been staying with him in nursery and trying to sneak away in intervals. But we have been trying to phase me out for the last 10 months and it is just not working as well as we would like. Andrew is unable to stay with him because he has to be with the young men in the last hour of church. So I have been unable to attend Relief Society for most of the past year and I miss it so much. I think I would love to be in nursery if I had been called to serve there but I haven't and I worry that people do not understand why I don't attend relief society.

So here is my conflict. You might wonder.. Why did this come up today? Well today was well...

AWFUL! But kind of funny at the same time. I was very excited for today. I was so excited to go to church. I was so excited to go to Relief Society, sign the role, read scriptures, and tell every one I am having a LITTLE BOY. And I was set that no matter what, I would only stay with Luke as much as I absolutely had too. And if I planned it correctly, I might be able to stay in Relief Society for a while before they came to get me for Luke.

But alas it was not to be.

Today during Sacrament Meeting Luke became upset and vomited all over every where. I mean every where! He isn't even sick! Luke is protective of his airway and can through up at will and like today, if he gets upset or gets something caught in his throat he chooses to through up in response. So he wasn't even sick!!!! But after throughing up all over the chapel I knew people would not want me to bring him to nursery. So I came home to take care of Luke, while Andrew went back to teach his lesson. I was mad, we are home and he isn't even sick. GRRRR :-) Which is what sparked this post today.

I know I shouldn't complain. I know how lucky I am that I am able to take Luke to church. I look at some friends who's children can't go to church at all for other health reasons and I realize how blessed I am. We have spoken with Luke's therapists and they recommend we ask the Bishop to call someone specifically to help him. They say it is much better for him to learn to depend on someone else. But Luke's special needs haven't seemed serious enough to warrant an assistant. And I'm a little embarrassed to ask. So I thought if I stayed for a few months eventually Luke would learn to sit, follow directions, and be just fine in nursery. But he hasn't and it has almost been a year. I don't want to be selfish and yet I want to do whats best for Luke.
But last week my mother was here and offered to go with Luke into the nursery when he needed help. It was such a wonderful day. I sat beside Andrew in Sunday school answered questions, and looked up scriptures. I was able to go to relief society and look at the binder, read the announcements and bear my testimony. It was so wonderful and so needed. I guess I am just realizing it is probably time to make some sort of change. I am just not sure what to do. But on the upside. At least Luke's not sick :-)